I Haven’t Been The Same.

Since the incident with my computer, I haven’t been the same.

I was doing fine before this fiasco.

Because of it, I renewed ties with an old companion from way back then called Anxiety. The state of anxiety that I was in when the computer crashed was unreal. I had lost all control over this monster. As you know, eventually I gained back some composure and was able to deal with the matter and have the computer fixed. This chain of event is not extraordinary at all for anybody who isn’t sick, but when you are, it is a great accomplishment.

I’m back living with this latent anxiety feeling, which pops up at any opportunity and has changed the way I handle and deal with everything, every day. Few examples: I wake up an hour earlier than usual just to make sure that I’m on time, I live half an hour earlier to pick up the boys from school just in case of a problem, and the list goes on. It is truly unbearable. I know that these reactions are overdone, but if I don’t do it, the anxiety takes over and starts to make me feel overwhelmed and agitated. Therefore, I prefer to do go along with these changes which appease the anxiety and gives me some peace. I prefer to give into it.

The power of my anxiety is out of this world and a real curse. Another compelling example; I was in the process of paying a bill online, and it triggered a massive anxiety attack linked to our disastrous financial situation. I was very close to a panic attack. It took me few hours and a strong dose of medication to recover from this. My day was over. I had nothing left in me. I was entirely depleted.

The only thing that I could do which helped me was to write. I spat out my rage, pain, and venom in my private journal. It helped.

The other things that I want to talk to my psychiatrist about are this extreme rages and deep pains which is new and seems abnormal. One of my favorite shrinks told me that rage comes from deep pain. It makes sense that one comes after the other but what isn’t to me, is to have both at the same time. It worries me as I don’t want to become verbally violent. Also, I am concerned about losing my good disposition and become bitter and cynical. I don’t want to turn into somebody else because of anxiety, rage, and pain. There must be a way to deal with all of this.

I have to tackle these issues quickly as I don’t want to reopen the doors of depression because I will fall back if I don’t do something about it. I cannot carry on living this way. It is, indeed is a living hell when you combine this level of anxiety with the bipolarity issues

Luckily I am going to see my psychiatrist this coming Monday.


Peace and serenity




19 thoughts on “I Haven’t Been The Same.

  1. Hi. Hope this moment, the one you’re experiencing now, makes you smile. I think you’re a good writer. Your energy should focus on that. Perhaps that’s your cure. 😊

    Also… are you eating enough yogurt? A clean gut is key to a balanced brain. Try approaching things naturally and see what happens. Also yoga… or a sport you like. Work on the body inside and out. Perhaps that will lead you to some balance in your life. I know this may be difficult but… what have you got to loose. Push yourself forward. You can do it!

    Peace and love.💕

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for your honesty in this blog. It is wonderful to read how you deal with these issues as they are dealt to you. Best of luck with your progress toward whatever goal you seek. May you be the best you can be. Pat

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Lawrence it is always good to meditate or some other thing to relax and also integrate some physical action in the day.
    And it is very common in financial difficulties to get a lot of stress. I hope you manage all this. I have no beautiful words and I know how difficult times can be. You are in my mind. Wish you some rest and strength to keep going.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Focus inward. Go to your roots like a tree. Close your eyes and sit and feel the warmth and knowing of just love. Let it steady you. It’s your base always. You are love and loved! Nothing…nothing will ever change that. It’s who you are. It’s your I AM❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hey Lawrence i am glad all is getting straightened out re the computer. I just hope and pray that your visit to the psychiatrist will prove to have a positive outcome too. We all know that talking, blogging and being generally open helps fight the demons.

    Liked by 1 person

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