I don’t know how to deal with this!

I have a huge issue that I’d like to share with you.

I need to work on a bad habit which probably comes from all my years of trading. Which is that I need to deal with everything right away.

This puts unnecessary stress on my daily life and raises my anxiety and, strangely, procrastination levels to new heights. It has to be worked on at once.

I don’t understand why I always put myself in this situation feeling obligated to deal with all matters, immediately when there is absolutely no reason to. I do not priorities; it’s “first come, first serve” without any evaluation of the importance nor the urgency of the matter.

My mother used to tell me to slow down, my psychiatrists told me repetitively to slow down, but I didn’t and still don’t listen, I always go on full speed ahead, (when I’m functional). Everything had to be done fast, even driving. Frankly, when I was younger, I have never noticed it this problem, until now that I am jobless and have time to reflect as to why do I have this necessity to handle life this way.

It is ludicrous on my part to believe that I can still handle problems the way I used to. I don’t know how to deal with this problem anymore, and I cannot find a way to tackle this serious issue. It is very negative at this stage of my life. I need to reprogram myself quickly as time is passing by so fast. But I don’t know how. I feel entirely destitute and powerless.

My low self-esteem is affected badly by this. I have to reprogram myself. I believe that I have the tools but aren’t really sure. I am looking for somebody trustworthy who could help me and guide me through this. What I need, is to have a mentor. Even at 53 I still believe that I need a mentor to show me a way to succeed in my new life. I have the perfect person, but I am afraid it won’t work due to his schedule, and frankly, I am also scared that he’ll say no and lose another friend.

I’ve tried so many ways to deals with this demon; by meditating plus other tools from my psychiatrists. Despite all of the above, I am not functioning properly. This important problem to solve as it is adding an unbelievable amount of negative stress and will solve many other linked to it. But, how?

Peace and serenity









19 thoughts on “I don’t know how to deal with this!

  1. For speaking, we say, “I do not prioritize” -just so you know.
    I have a similar problem. One time I was very worried right before bed. My husband told me to write everything down that I thought needed to be done. Then he took that list and put it inside a box and said, “Now, they will be there in the morning.”
    This may work for you. Sometimes, in the absence of a box, I IMAGINE a list and a box and that helps. I’m thinking you might need to list what you want done and how to do it, then work on the pressing issues as soon as you get a break.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I wish I knew how to help you, Lawrence. Writing down your thoughts and feelings helps you a lot. Besides, you are a great poet. I am glad you have started this new phase in your life. Poetry is the expression of our greatest fears, unsolved problems and all kind of thoughts and feelings. It is so therapeutic. In this respect, you are doing a great thing. I have just had a quick search on the internet to see the main differences between bipolar I and bipolar II (your case). Medication seems to be very important as you said, but equally important is psychotherapy. You should never abandon the latter, but I still don’t understand what you said that you cannot afford it? If so, you could ask for donations through your blog. Every one of us could help with a little sum of money.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your very kind message. I cannot afford as my handicap pension and my wife salary do not cover all of our monthly charges. We have been living on my handicap pension and my wife salary which isn’t enough to cover all our charges, I took a loan to buy time and now it is coming to end.


  3. I can only assume that by racing through jobs that need to be done, there’s little ability to be able to actually enjoy the moment. I’m a list maker and a procrastinator given half a chance. I write my list, and slowly work through it. Sometimes I complete it and sometimes I don’t. Important stuff first however. For me, it’s just a case of self-discipline, it’s that simple. And whilst I do that particular job, I try to do it well, the best that I can and most importantly, to realise that actually I’m rather enjoying it, so I drag it out to have more enjoyment.
    Why would you rush? To enable you to have free time to do what? If its to have free time to do something productive like a sport or something that is going to help your mental health, then brilliant. But if it’s free time so that you can let the dark thoughts engulf you, then that’s clearly not so good. Any idea why you can’t slow down? Katie x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much for your suggestion. I must say that I have tried it and failed after a while but I will give it another try for sure.
      We’re not sure why I can’t slow down and enjoy relaxing. My best psychiatrist figures that he can come from my illness but he is not sure. My guess is that it comes from trading.
      I started trading at 17 years old and made to the top. I was groomed to be a trader. That’s the only way I know how to functions Therefore it was the only positive, that I know.
      I guess my subconscious is pushing in that direction as it is the only one it knows


      1. I totally get that. Sorry to turn this round to me, but to use him as an example, my husband is military and he’s been in it for 23 years now and therefore there is no taking away from him, ever, the military ways of doing things. That I have to accept, but the difference is that we both like the way that he does things. Total order and efficiency etc etc. So I understand. However in your case, if it’s spoiling your day to day life, then without a doubt it’s worth getting it sorted. As a matter of interest, are you able to sit quietly and just do one thing, like read a book, a newspaper, do a crossword or just sit and natter with a friend without being active/fidgety etc.? As an aside, I find that my medication makes me very fidgety in the evenings and early mornings .. it’s Sertraline. Katie

        Liked by 1 person

  4. this is so tough……..when you mind is racing in all directions, I am sure it is hard to slow down…….if you mother was always telling you to slow down, I am guessing this maybe part of your genetic makeup? I so wish I had a magic wand to make it better. my only suggestion would be to pick just one activity that you do daily…….like brush your teeth and force yourself to perform the task slowly…….and see how that goes……..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Matt, thanks for checking on me. Things aren’t the best these days, hence the very few post. Hopefully they”ll get better.
      How about you? I’m sure you’still battling your illnee With all your strenght. I am s so proud you that. Peace and serenity and love.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Any time Lawrence. I am sorry to hear that things are not going to well. If you need to vent you have my email I never judge. As for me?? Well I am still battling I have my good days and bad days as I am sure you can imagine. My life is strange with my new career too. I am still unsure whether I can see myself sticking to this long term but I have to give it a go. I know things take there time to slot in to place, however I am impatient as you know………. Peace and Love to you my friend

        Liked by 1 person

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