Poem; I hate myself.

~ Lawrence Illoc

HateMySelf

I am furious with myself.
I don’t know what triggered it.
I am angry with myself.
I am angry with the life I have.
I am angry about the life I had and lost.
Anger takes you nowhere.
I understand it, but I cannot stop it.
I look in the rearview mirror.
And see what I used to have.
I know what to do calm myself down.
But I don’t apply it.
It’s stronger than me
Hence these lingering guilty and angry feelings
That increase or decrease.
Depending of on the moment
I hate myself for not handling it properly

Peace and serenity

Lawrence Copyright July 2018

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Published by Lawrence Illoc

Check my blog for any information about me: bipolaronlineblog.com

15 thoughts on “Poem; I hate myself.”

  1. I am sure you are doing the best you can, Lawrence. Please, do not hate yourself. If you have the proper medication plus a good psychologist you should actually be able to lead a fairly normal life. But, of course, there are many types of bipolar disease. Keep your spirits high and keep writing!

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    Reply

      2. I take 8 different drugs to deal with my problems and lithium is one of them. It does help. I would love to see a psychiatrist once a week but I can’t afford it. Luckily I have free healthcare from medication to the doctor but it’s every other month. I have nurses in cases of a problem as well.

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  3. I hope since you write this you have found your peace again. Maybe books? Tons and tons of books on selfhelp, bipolar, everything. So that you can learn what your psychologist is being paid to do to you. You’re clever. You’re smart. You could learn it all … f.. it! You could study it and get a degree in it. Thoughts??

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      1. I’m glad you’re a little better. I’m no medic and of course I don’t know exactly what you need help with most, but if for example it’s bipolar, then from just having had a look on Amazon there are three here that jumped out at me. (Of course, they might not be relevant to you, but as an example) They are:

        Bipolar Disorder … Ken Fisher
        Depression is a Liar … Danny Baker
        Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide … Sara Elliott Price

        These also have audio download. Now I’m not entirely sure what this is, but I’m guessing that you could listen to them on a computer or phone maybe? This would be brilliant as you can just chill out and switch it on and it would take the work out of it all … no reading just listening. Just a thought?.

        I don’t know where exactly you live, and if indeed you are well enough, but if someone could maybe take you into your nearest town, might you be able to go into the biggest bookshop? And just browse .. look through all their self help books. You will not come out empty handed. Have a nice coffee whilst you’re there, chill, enjoy the hour or so, find some trash to read too. At the end of the day, when we are reading, our mind is momentarily preoccupied, so that negative thoughts about ourselves cannot enter. So if, during this brief period we are in fact pouring the good thoughts, the good stuff into our brains, then it’s a double win. Perhaps, even if (and I’m sure you do!) think that I’m a bit cuckoo, I sense that you’re at the stage now whereby it’s time to take the bull by the horns so to speak and need to attack this and try everything. Everything positive.
        Alternatively, because I read books that are more appropriate for me (eg CBT For Dummies … excellent read) you could always do a post on WordPress asking people for the best self help books they have read and why. I hope this helps and I’m sending you love. Katie xx

        Liked by 1 person

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