I should know by now, but I don’t!

I haven’t been around blogging much this past week or so, due to setbacks generated by severe anxiety crises and a panic attack, my depression which is doing slightly better as the new medication is settling in.
But the anxiety has been a killer, making me worry about everything, mainly financial related matters as I still cannot find a job and it is driving me out of my mind.
Two reasons why I am writing this post: one is to keep you up to date regarding my absence, and the other is to share with people how I deal with these anxiety issues.
This is based on my own experience, and I am, by no mean, recommending to do what I do. The purpose of this post is to share honestly, how I felt and how I am feeling.

I am still feeling pretty sick and affected, but at least I am out of bed and able to write.
These bouts with anxiety are incredibly tiring as far as I am concerned. It feels that they suck the life out of me. I am depleted of any energy for the vast majority of days and nights. Coupled with my depression it is a lethal duo, I’ve slept 24 hours straight, just getting up for the essential without any appetite.
For most, it was almost nearly as bad as the previous example. I don’t know how to refrain from feeling these anxieties, which run in loops in my mind. I don’t know what to do as meditation doesn’t work and even strong medication has no effects at times. It is amazing how strong this disorder is and the power it has over me.
I had a full-fledged panic attack which is always scary, but I am used to it by now and know exactly what to do which is to lay down and wait as calmy as use can for it to run its course. It is painful.

Sometimes I feel that I am weak of character and should be able to fight these on my own without all of what is described above. I genuinely feel useless. I know it is not my fault, but somehow I think I should know by now, on how to deal with them and take away their powers.

I, sincerely hope that in the next few days these anxiety feelings will slow down and be less disruptive and painful. I feel so guilty to lay down in bed when there is so much to do. It puts a strain on the family dynamic as everything falls on my wife’s shoulders and has to handle everything. It is very tiring for her to live with me for the past twenty years, all have not been bad but the last six years have been and any human being with all the love in the world, may start to get tired.
I notice some good signs today as I was more active and able to write a poem plus this post.

The anxieties won’t disappear, but as long as they are not stopping me from living a regular life, I am okay with it.

Peace and serenity





12 thoughts on “I should know by now, but I don’t!

  1. Hi Lawrence. I feel you on the job thing. It’s not easy with chronic conditions, and if we lie just to get the job, we’ll be miserable and our work will suffer. Being honest upfront is my preference–I don’t want to work for someone who’d deny me a job based on my chronic illnesses, but this, of course, narrows my chances to a sliver.

    Best of luck to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Stay strong brother. I am sure the right job is around the corner for you. I am glad the new medication is starting to work aswell. It takes time for these tablets to get into the system and for them to work in the way they are meant to. I have heard of far to many people taking the medication for a few days then giving up because they do not feel it is working. Patience is the key with these things…. I am fully with you on the loop too, nothing worse than not being able to separate yourself from you mind even for just 5 mins. Hang in there Lawrence. Peace and Love.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Kind words as always Lawrence. I hate see you struggling. Or anyone for that matter. Nobody should have to suffer with mental illness in whatever guise it comes in. Life is tough enough sometimes without that added pressure of the mind turning against you………

        Liked by 1 person

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