The shackles.

Unfortunately, I can go back to such hobbies such as shooting darts and playing backgammon as there is nothing around my place. I also have a great passion for motorcycling, but I cannot go back into it for now because our the financial situation.

But there is one thing that I can start again is playing music. I plan to start now and will practice at least 30 minutes per day. If I can sustain this rhythm (no pun intended) I probably get back into it fairly quickly, my “guitar mentor” Mr. Chris Fox lives too far away from me to pay him a daily visit. He lives in the Bahamas. Now if any of you want to sponsor me to pay him a visit for three months or so, I would welcome and appreciate any gesture (just kidding). He used to tell me, repeatedly to practice without fail for ten minutes a day. I believe I need to practice a bit more as I have not played seriously for five years now. The more I think about, the more stupid it sound. Punishing myself, to create some more misery upon me as if it would break the spell off lousy luck or push me harder into finding some job. The more I think about it and the more ridiculous it sounds.

I am not alone in practicing the same self-punishments. A good friend of mine shared with me that he has done and still does the same method of self-inflicting restriction on activities that he enjoys and for the same reason as I do.

Now that I have discovered why I was committing these acts, I can free myself from this very harmful and destructive measures that I took for so many years. Maybe they will clear the way for some sunshine to bring some light in my very dark and daily life. I do feel happy and relieved that I was able to pinpoint one of my many problems. I don’t know where it is coming from, but I have an idea.

When I started to be followed by my first brilliant psychiatrist, he used to ask me a lot of question regarding Calvinist. For some reasons, I remember these sessions very well even though religion is my cup of tea. He seemed fascinated by it, and I even think he wrote a book or an essay on it as he was a professor at Yale. His conclusion or opinion is that part of my inhibition, and several problems could have come from the religion and my personal belief which conflicted. Even as an atheist, religion had a firm hold on my behavior in society, marriage, work and just myself. When I revisit these memories and dig into mine, there is a high probability that my problems of self-restriction come from my upbringing as a Calvinist. I will not go into details as what Calvinism can and cannot do, it isn’t a topic that I like. To me, it is unbelievable that religion still has power in my current life.

But no longer in that chapter; the shackles have been thrown off for good. I hope!

Peace and serenity







16 thoughts on “The shackles.

  1. You make many good points! I need to spend time on happy activities.
    Also, I agree that looking at everything in one’s past is helpful. We definitely learn how to react to situations all throughout life, including religious influences.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Self punishment is something that I am struggling with I constantly feel the need to punish myself for he past. I know full well I cannot change the past yet I cannot let go of it. This is the most frustrating thing of all. I would love nothing more than to close the door on the past and walk away…….I long to get back on my decks and start DJ’ing again but every time I get close to doing it “the voice” seems to stick a massive barrier in the way that I just cannot move!!!!! So so annoying…….


      1. It is the nature of the disorders. I just never know what my mind is up to half the time these days. It bugs me that i cannot connect with my head to drag it back from the destructive punishing thoughts……..

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s