Do as I say but don’t do as I do!

~ Lawrence Illoc

As I am sick and tired of being in this state of mind, always negative, living in fear and still feeling tired that I decided to take action and increase my medicine. I currently increase my antidepressant drug as well as one of the anxiety drug. I am not touching the lithium and the Seroquel as I’m a bit wary of these two.

I am well aware that I’ve written many times, not to change or stop your medication unless you speak to your doctor regardless of your state. But now I had enough of this. I want to live, otherwise, mind as well die. Quite frankly If I were to die in my sleep tonight I would be pleased. I would be done with suffering and battling every single minute of my life. What life is that anyway?

I want to talk about The Exit option (assisted suicide) offered in Switzerland for incurable illness, but I am too afraid to tell my family and hurt them. I still want to fight for them, but I don’t know for what!

I don’t have the patience or the luxury to wait for the doctor’s appointment. I want to take myself out of this mess before the 23rd comes around. Like I wrote yesterday I am at the end of the rope, I’ve got to do something.

I’m trying and fighting the illness with all I’ve got; meditation, medication, physical exercise, good sleeping cycles, proper diet with maybe a bit too much scotch whiskey.

I am not afraid of dying. I welcome it if I have to remain alive in these conditions, I need to have a decent way and means of living. This is unbearable. I feel shackled by my non-employment. I am financially imprisoned. It is intolerable.

Let me give you an example, today the vacuum cleaner gave way, and we don’t have the money for a new one, we barely have enough for food and how am I going to deal with the broken car. When is this all going to end?

I know I am ranting and raving, but it needs to come out, and I apologize for it, but you are the only support system that works besides the fact that it is very therapeutic for me to write my most profound feelings of joy, sadness, rages, and worries. I know you are there for me as I try my best to be there for you.

It is a post of sorrow and despair, but I needed to vent.

I am sorry.

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

 

 

 

 

Published by Lawrence Illoc

Check my blog for any information about me: bipolaronlineblog.com

45 thoughts on “Do as I say but don’t do as I do!”

    2. Life and living are worth every struggle. It will get better. Money and things are meaningless. Try to look at what you have. You have children. You are loved. You have a wife and children. Therefore you have everything. You still have a home. When there is breath there is life. When there is life there is hope. It will get better. You will see one day. I promise. If it can better for me it can get better for you. Please just hold on. One moment one breath at a time no mater how painful it is. I look back at my suicide attempts and think about what if I was successful then? I would have missed out on so much living and happiness and joy and love. My children would not be the amazing people they are right now. I have been homeless for three months. It gets better and it will get better for you. Many times it does not seem like it but t will. Our brains lie to us when we are looking through the dark cloud of mental illness. Once the cloud is lifted the beauty of living is so much better and brighter and more spectacular and beautiful then it ever has been. Please stay and live. I know it is hard. I have been there before of course not exactly as you are because everyone is different but I can understand the pain and sorrow. I am sorry you are going through it. Even if you do not pray and don’t believe in God, that is your choice. I will pray for you. Much love, blessings and huge huge hugs, Sue

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      1. Dear Sue,
        I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful it feels to read your message, your message of hope. I will fight in the end. It is just that I can’t bear this situation anymore and I don’t know how it can get better as everything looks the contrary. I will fight as everybody tells me to do so, not to give up for the kids but my heart is not in it. Your message gives me something to hang on to as you have been through worse than I am. I am touched by your support, empathy and caring. Much Love Lawrence.

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      2. You can do it. Many people love you Your life matters. There is no one else like you and people need you. You are gong through what you are for a reason and one day it will all make sense. It will. We need you as a mental illness advocate and you are a great dad. No matter what. This illness sucks beyond comprehension but one day you will over come. I am a cheerleader for you and your life. Keep keeping on. One thing for sure is you are very smart. You are like a genius. You have been given gifts that no one else has. You have experiences that no on else has or can, You have a life to live that no on else can. You are needed and valued. Your life has purpose. Your mental illness is lying to you right now. You can do it. I will keep praying. More hugs, Sue

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      3. Your words motivate me and soothe my wounds. Your compliments warm my heart and soul. This illness feels like a curse at times like these but I won’t let her win. This week has been a hard week and the cherry was the vacuum cleaner. I feel down right now but with your motivational words make me feel better already. Thank you for your kindness and prayers. Thank you for bringing back on the right path. Much love and hugs

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  2. No please do not have thoughts as such. I know you are strong. I know God has given you a lot. This suffering does not mean to put you down by any chance. Bear it, sir, it happens. God created us, not to give us an easy life, but to carry some burden. Life is unfair…. Hold on… Keep you family in mind, your wife, your boys… Its okay sir. It will be alright. God Bless. I will keep you in my special prayers….

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  4. Now. I might never completely understand. As i just got to know what bipolar and mania is. And i havent seen it with my eyes. But my dad just came home and he is a confused mess. And you know what i thought??

    Once i know the whole case i will talk to Lawrence about it. He will be able to help me.

    Now see. We need you. So here is the answer of ‘for what?’

    You are a father and so us my dad. Kids like me need to see some hope. And we look at people like you we see that light.

    Now i was just exploring there are some apps that help people with mental illness. I dont know how it works but there are some. Do check those if you haven’t.

    Now it’s a long comment but let me share something that changed my life and anxiety.

    My bff said to me when i was having crippling anxiety ‘everything happens and then it passes. What starts have to end. So your pain and suffering has an end too. Believe in that and focus on your life. Something else. Something that you can do.”

    It changed my life. Even in the hardest circumstances i know there’s an end.

    We are with you. It’s good to vent and let it out.

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  7. I am so sorry, Lawrence! I agree with the others that life is more than our problems. Unfortunately, those problems are a major part of life. One thing that helps me is to think what advice I would give to a friend who came to me with the same problems; what would I tell him?

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      3. when you go to your home page..it shows stats right?

        there you will see a side penal on your left. there is the category “comments” under “media”.

        click on comments.

        it will show all of your comments.

        on the top of it there are all, pending, approved, spam, trashed..

        click on “spam”

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  10. Lawrence, For me it is difficult to read your words. I tell you why, I lost my best friend last year. I supported him very intensely, but he did twice a suicide attempt, lose his faith and get on drugs again. It touches me so much, that I couldn’t help him. And it still hurts me. Oh I hope you will find stars in the universe that gives you just that little sparkle that you wish for. I just wish that you find that in your heart you find some love which give you some strength to keep going. Try to drink as little as possible. Best love for you, Lawrence.

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    1. Thank you very much for your kind words of support and I will look for this star to give me the sparkles so much needed. I am very touched and saddened by what happened to your friend but you cannot fault yourself, you’ve done everything you could. I am very sorry to have reminded you these traumatic events, it wasn’t my intention to hurt anybody with my post. I will fight to best I can and won’t give up. Thank you again for caring so much, it means a lot to me. Much love

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      1. Lawrence, Don’t bother for me. I can handle it. I am self a very emotional person. So I am attracted to persons with problems. You say what got to say. That’s good. We all learn from the things we deal in life. I do hope we can give you the support to go through the fase you are in. Only you know how that is. Stay stable. Warm wishes and be some guidance from above welcome you,

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  11. Hi Lawrence, I’ve only just seen your post and I hope that since you wrote it you’re feeling a little better. I’m sure you’re sick to death of it all and sometimes it’s hitting rock bottom that helps us find a way to start getting better. Put it this way, that’s what happened to me. I hope that the feeling of ending it all have now passed … you’re a strong man and you CAN get better. You have family and you have to get better for yourself and for them. To end your life would destroy them … I beg you to see this as the beginning of your recovery … You can do it. I don’t know where you are, but I’m sending you huge hugs and a smacker of a kiss! You can do this. I did, so can you. I hate to say this, but the first thing I had to do was ditch the booze … it’s a depressant. It’s hard, but you can do it. I know it feels as though it helps (and for the few hours that you’re drinking it, it is relaxing) but the come down afterwards and how it screws with your body and brain is the worst toxin ever for the you’s and me’s in this world. Stay in touch, let us know how you are … and sending you love. I know it’s a bitch, but now it’s time to get better, to demand the doctors work harder for you to find what will work. Katie xx

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    1. Thank you so much for your comforting and supportive measage. I thank as well for caring so much. It means a lot to me. I apologize for my late answer. I am doing a little better but I am still in this depression and at this point it is to the doctor to do his job and I know he will as he is a good one. I am trying to take one day at a time and will keep you posted on my condition through my blog. I want people to know how it feels like to carry this burder of illness called bipolarity. It is not only about Stars but about also the common folk who have to deal with this curse. I want the layperson to get a feel of what it is like. It’s hard to write when you’re feeling like I did but I do it hoping that it might help somebody. Peace and thank you again

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