It didn’t work.

I am looking forward to seeing my doctor on May 23rd as we need to re-evaluate my treatment. To be chronically depressed by design to prevent going into a hypomanic phase made sense. But now I believe that we are on the wrong tracks. This approach was suggested by my doctor to keep me slightly depressed, to prevent the spike up generated by hypomania to get out of control and to find myself in full-blown hypomania. I agreed with the treatment suggested, but now, I feel it is time to change.

Just a bit of information for the reader who isn’t too familiar with mania and hypomania. You have several schools of thoughts on this chapter, and the tendency is to attribute mania to bipolar I and hypomania to bipolar II.

Just a bit of information for the reader who isn’t too familiar with mania and hypomania. You have several schools of thoughts on this chapter, and the tendency is to attribute mania to bipolar I and hypomania to bipolar II. What I will write are not my opinions on the subjects, but rather a compilation of opinions and the one written seem to prevail:

• Manias do more damage than hypomanias.
• Manias are more severe than hypomanias.
• You are more likely to be hospitalized with mania as you potentially become dangerous to yourself and/or surrounding.
• Hypomanias tend to boost your creativity and efficiency, they also affect your mood as you can become aggressive, agitated and bombarded with thoughts.

Again this is a summary of opinions. I don’t agree with all the assessments.

It seems to me that I am battling depression all the time, except for the very few good days last week, when I felt neutral and happy and free to do and think as I pleased. I can honestly say that I wasn’t in a hypomanic episode as none of the usual symptoms were there. I was feeling good. The feeling was more of normalcy than anything else.

But now I am back, again, in the darkness of depression, ridden with anxiety and negative thoughts and scenarios continually running in loops in my mind. I am oversleeping and lacking energy and don’t feel like doing anything.

As I mentioned above, I will see my doctor soon and will request a change in the treatment as I don’t want to feel like this all the time. I am sick and tired of being negative, in the dark. I want to write about positive thoughts and experiences. I want to be in the sunlight. I deserve it. I’ve been rotting in the dampness of depression for far too long.

This modus operandi results are more depressed than a neutral state of mind. It was a good idea but it is leading me to nowhere, and in my case, keeping me depressed. At this point, I’d rather take the risk to be in a hypomanic mode and deal with the consequences, where I cannot do much damage due to my financial situation and the adverse effects of such actions but at least I’ll get a chance to be happy and positive for a while.

I don’t want to live this way anymore. This has to stop now. I am at the end of the rope.

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

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