Down memory loss.

~ Lawrence Illoc

My memory loss is going from bad to worse.

I have read a post from Jeannett_ptsd which triggered a train of thoughts that was initiated by a significant snafu of mine this afternoon.

My wife’s colleague along with others invited us this afternoon for tea time. I was briefed many times not bring a sensitive subject into the conversation which is close to my heart as it had affected one of my boys. I tend to be quite ferocious when one of my tribe is being attacked. But in this case, according to everybody, I had acknowledged the warnings and seemed to have clearly understood it and integrate the message.

Guess what? I opened my big mouth, and an all pandemonium unfolded in front of my eyes and ears. Adults started to argue, borderline fighting and me in the middle defending my accusations. Quite a scene it was. Don’t get me wrong I am not proud of what I have done, even more, so that I let down my family by breaking, involuntary, my promise and also the hell that was unleashed upon me by my wife and two boys during the 30 minutes drive back home.

I can honestly say that I didn’t remember promising not to talk about this issue. I have no recollection on the several conversations we had over it and all the warnings and so on. I know that depression has a substantial adverse effect on memory and my cocktail of seven different medicine taken daily also has a strong impact on this problem. I understand it all as it has been explained by my psychiatrist, but it has become unbearable.

I forget everything from trivial to important, and it is now a handicap. I used to have an excellent memory which makes it even more frustrating. And now I can’t function effectively, I could live with few incidents, but now it has evolved to be a major daily issue. I don’t want to change my medicine to counter this side effect as I had done to many times in the past. I don’t play with my prescription anymore. I paid the high price to many times in the past.

The sad conclusion is that there is nothing that can be done but to hope to get out of the depression sooner rather than later. In the meantime, I will be trying to use as much self-damage and control as I can. I keep working hard on the positivity issue, but it is hard when curve balls are being thrown at you constantly. There is so much someone can take.

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

 

Published by Lawrence Illoc

Check my blog for any information about me: bipolaronlineblog.com

20 thoughts on “Down memory loss.”

  2. That’s an unfortunate incident, but even though you brought up a touchy subject it takes more than one person to get in an argument, so you’re certainly not the only one with “bad behaviour”. The memory impairment with depression is so frustrating. I try to compensate with my natural tendency to be organized by putting everything in my calendar and making lists. Hopefully this symptom will start to improve for you soon.

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    1. You are correct and it takes more than one to argue or fight over something. I didn’t look at it it that way. Thanks for bringing this up as it makes me feel better.
      By nature, I have always been a messy person but now I have to make a conscient effort to use my phone, paper list or anything to help me with this problem. Thanks so much for your feedback.

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      1. once I get to meet his psychiatrist I will talk to you about it too.
        but looking at you blogging gives so much hope that he will be back and at least he will be able to understand and interpret and say whats happening around. thanks for being here.

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  5. Désolée, Lawrence. I think you and your family are too hard on you -especially you. Do you talk to a therapist, or just the psychiatrist?
    My therapist told me that one MUST have counseling to improve behaviors WITH medication. She says I need to re-train my brain so I do not react to situations and thoughts negatively.

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