Sliding further.

~ Lawrence Illoc

Despite all my efforts, I cannot help it but slide deeper into the darkness of depression, and the pains are starting to become physical as well. The anxiety’s demons are winning to battle versus the angels of light.

I panic for everything and forget or misunderstand what is asked of me.

A prime example happened late this morning when I was scheduled to pick up my eldest and bring him to the hospital. I left the house to go to pick him up, I was right on schedule until I reached the roadblock. Then panic struck as I didn’t know how to reach his school via another route. I thought that they must have posted an alternate way higher up from where we live since nothing was indicated. So, I drove back up towards my village, and sure enough, at the first intersection, I saw the signs for the temporary road to follow.  Again panic struck as I realized that I will be late to pick him up and that we wouldn’t be able to make it to the doctor’s appointment. I had no way to reach him as his phone is out of order. I got so angry that I was screaming in the car and striking the steering wheel to release some tension which worked. I called the doctor’s office, and they were very understanding about the situation. It took me fifty minutes to an hour to reach his school and hospital, but he was able to attend his appointment. A classic incident of how a very basic simple hick up can generate so much chaos and panic. These small incidents happen frequently and are exacerbated by the bipolarity, and I feel wiped you out by the end of the day, if not before.

This explains why I haven’t posted as many articles as usually do and I apologize for it.

I have been continuously sleeping and have to drag myself out of bed, which I do, but with great difficulties. I live with this constant fear of the future, what will happen? How are we going to be able to live? How will my family stand it? I can’t concentrate on the present and start to regroup and rebuild. I don’t feel I have the strength anymore. I am exhausted, and yet I can’t give up, but for how long?

I honestly wished I could see my doctor but my next scheduled appointment in on May 23rd. I can’t ask when to see him or ask him if we could set an earlier date as is he is overbooked, and it is a free service given by the Government. I am starting to lose hope, and it is troubling me a great deal that all these nasty feelings are coming back to haunt me.

I started again to meditate to see if it can help me at this point and time, I will try to spend more time outdoors to see if it can change my overall disposition.

 

 

Peace and serenity

 

Lawrence

 

 

 

Published by Lawrence Illoc

Check my blog for any information about me: bipolaronlineblog.com

25 thoughts on “Sliding further.”

  2. Keep living day by day. Work to focus on the current moments, on what you have and what it means to you now, rather than what could be or what you stand to lose. You have so much in your life to be proud of and find love/contentment in. You just need to try to keep grounded in that.

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    1. I understand and know about it but I am out of control. I tried to meditate outside about 45min ago I think it did some good. I’ll keep on doing it.
      Thank you so much for you extremely pertinent suggestion which I’ll try to reinforce. Sometimes it is good when it is repeated to you, especially in time of crisis. Thank you so much for your support.

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  4. This advice is trite at best–you are already sharing what is going on in your world. Each day, on a fresh sheet of paper, write down 5 things that you are grateful for, happy about, or you find pleasing. Your family, the emergence of Spring, that you can recognize your signs of frustration and are trying to deal with them–whatever works for you. Best of luck to you in your continuing struggles.

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  5. I’m proud of you Lawrence for meditating and getting outdoors. There’s something inside of you that won’t give up. Call it what you will but keep feeding it with love. It will get stronger. Sending you a hug and a pat on the back.

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  6. Whatever you do don’t give in to it. I know it seems impossible but try thinking of positive things in your life rather than negative. When I am down I tend to forget how much happiness I have (husband, kids, a home, being alive with them). Don’t think of the failures and struggles you’ve caused them, rather think that your fighting bipolar because of them. Because they mean so much to you. Obviously their on your side trying to fight with you. You can do it. Tell yourself that everyday that you can get through another day and so on. Stay strong.

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  7. I am sorry you are not doing well. I will pray for you Lawrence. First I want to apologize for not reading your blog as much as I would like. I want you to know that yours is one of the first ones I want to read. So the fact that I have not read yours means I have not read any. I am not sure why. I think it is because my brain has been moving so quickly lately and it makes it harder for me to stay focused. I can write and spew info out but to maintain is a different story. I want to though. It is always my goal to read more blogs. That long rambling is to say I am sorry for not reading your blog more often. Now back to the most important thing… you. I just read your about page and you are an amazing man who has done incredible things. You have made it before and you can do it again. In fact you are making it now. You are fighting. You are strong. You are trying every day. You are a survivor. A beautiful wonderful survivor. Every day you write it is an important step and an achievement. There is a reason for this season in your life and one day you will know why. It will all make sense to you. You must keep fighting. It will get better. I promise you. It might not be as fast as you want or the way you want, but it will happen. Give it to God if you can. If you want to. I am just saying what helps me and what helps many people I know. Can I ask what medications you are taking? The only reason I ask is because sometimes the symptoms even of depression are caused by the medications. Many times the medications used to treat depression can cause depression in some people. I think you should call your doctor. It is worth a try. Does your clinic have a nurses hotline number you can call? I forget where you are from. Here in the US at least where I live we have hotlines we can call and my clinic has a nurses number so we can at least talk to the nurses in the department associated with our Pdocs. The nurses can contact the pdoc if necessary. I know I wrote a lot, but as always I have too much to say. I pray you will make it. Keep fighting. I am not sure if you know how I recently survived a suicide attempt two months ago. I should not be here, but God saved my life. My life is better than it has been in years, mentally anyway. The rest will fall in place. Finances are always a problem but I am alive and it will work out. There was a reason for everything I went through. If it can happen for me it can happen for you. If I can survive and get better, so can you. I will pray for you. Try to pray. Just try it. It can’t hurt. Or listen to some worship. It can’t hurt. Just try it. I hope you are ok with me giving that suggestion. I just give it. I will pray for you. Hugs, Sue

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    1. Dear Sue, please don’t apologize for not reading my blog. The comment you’ve about it being the first blog you want to read is one of the best compliment of all time and I thank you so much for it, you’ve made my day. What is killing me is the financial situation. Friday I have a session with my psychologist which is good. I am taking an antidepressant evening and morning, at night lithium 800mg, seroquel two different medication to ease the anxiety, I could give you the names but are all generic french medication.
      The treatment was fine and I was stable until I have identified why precipitated this downturn, it is related to business which is dying. As of yesterday I’ve started to meditate again and went outside and did some small work. Baby steps! I thank you so much for your prayers and all of your suggestions as well as support, your encouragement, and positive words. Thank you also for your transparency concerning your personal experiences and how you’ve made it through.It is an inspiration for me.I don’t know how to thank you!

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      1. You just thanked me. Just keep fighting and being strong and keep being you. I am happy you are going to see the Pdoc. Thank you for telling me about your meds. Be careful with medications for anxiety. They can be dangerous. Benzodiazepines wreaked havoc on my life for many years. I no longer take any and have no anxiety. But I had severe anxiety on it which was not anxiety at all but withdrawal symtoms from benzos. I can explain more if I confused you. Just talk to your doc about it. Much love and big hugs for you ~Sue ❤😊❤😇❤🙏

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      2. Along with BAD 2 rapid cycle, I also have a severe anxiety disorder and I am convinced that the anxiety business is the cause of my depression and the negative thinking. Much love and hugs as well. Thank you Sue

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  8. Keep fighting Lawrence. Someone gave me a good bit of advice as it were. Remember you talk about your struggles and problems in the public domain that means you are aware and are dealing with the issues. You are on a path to recovery as it were. Becoming aware and talking admitting the issues are good for the soul. Keep fighting my friend, i just wish there was something more i could do for you?????? Money issues dominate everyone’s lives. It is the poison of the world. Peace and Love

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