I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t pretend that everything is fine and act as if life is nicely following its course. Putting a constant acting show in public is exhausting. I am sick and tired of it and won’t do it anymore. People are not going to hear what they want to hear but will hear the truth about the current situation, my depression, our financial disaster and so on. They will hear about the living hell that we are going through the past few years which is now at its climax.

This is taking a toll on everybody who is living under this roof. Not only that it is hard globally, but it is also especially difficult to deal with the financial constraints and having to live with a sick person who is often more toxic than anything else. I often think that they would be better off without me. But the medical corps disagree with my last statement.

Today is not a good day at all. This depression is gaining strength. All the demons are at work generating dark and negative thoughts. My anxiety level is extremely high. I can’t calm myself down. Everything is an issue, and I am worried sick about our future. I am aware that worrying doesn’t bring anything positive to the table and doesn’t solve a single thing. Unfortunately for me, I can’t stop or even tame it. There seems to be no future as I am facing significant problems. I cannot think of anything positive.

The cold marble ball in putting so much pressure on my sternum that I feel extremely nauseous. The depression is starting to affect my body, not only with nausea but feeling extremely weak and tired. I already took the maximum dosage of medication that I can take daily, but it still hasn’t changed anything. I don’t know what to do differently to get out of this horrific position. Maybe I’ll get something positive,  some good news, a sign of hope. But I don’t believe I will. I have probably a better chance to win the lottery.

I am stuck in this rut and can’t seem to get out of it. I truly am at a loss. I desperately need something positive to hang on to. I feel that I am getting worse and not better. It’s more than a feeling it is the reality. I am sick and tired of suffering so much all the time. It is a never-ending story of pain, destruction, and despair.

What is my purpose? It seems that all I can do is damage and suffering. I am hanging on by a thread. I, sure, hope that something changes for the better because I ran out of positive alternatives.

I hope that sharing my intimate feelings and situation as a depressed individual in the midst of one depressive episode will shed some light and help understand others on how it may feel.

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

 

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