I cannot stand myself anymore.

I don’t know how to deal with myself, and I can’t stand it.

I have all the tools gathered since 1992 when I first started to be followed by a psychiatrist and never stopped going for therapies after that.

Recently, through our community I received a multitude of great advice, words of encouragement, positive comments from people who know what it is to battle with disorders, for this, I am so grateful.

I understand the advice and comments, they all make total sense to me and yet I don’t apply them.

I hate myself as well. I have to admit it. I hate myself for the condition we are in. I hate myself for not being able to generate an income to live from. I hate myself for being so impatient, I hate myself for being aggressive and filled with hatred, I hate myself for not listening and act on the advice given to me.

I don’t know how to break all this cycle or frame of mind that I am in, especially now that I am falling deeper into depression. I don’t think that it is the depression that is generating this state of mind as I was already feeling this way before this relapse. The fact of being even more depressed doesn’t help to rectify this problem.

I don’t know how to be gentle and kind to myself, don’t even mention loving myself, all of it seems impossible, I just can’t do it. I always put myself under pressure for finding a solution to our family’s problems.

My mind wants to break the negativity cycle so badly, but my brain doesn’t want to. I am constantly fighting with this, and it is exhausting. I know for sure that negativity breeds failure and yet I don’t stop it. Is it still this self-destructive problem blocking it?

In all this, there is one big positive note which is the fact that I am finally accepting it and verbalize it. This could be the pivotal point. By sharing all of this with you is already releasing some of the constant pressure that I feel on my chest. Maybe with this post, I will be able to unlock and allow myself to reverse this vicious spiral.

I need to be positive and develop an inner peace despite all the problems we are facing. What is striking me clearly as I write, is that the negativity and self-hatred don’t work.

I need to change to get us out of this hole, and I have to be patient. I have to accept and realize that it won’t happen overnight since I have been in this horrible state of mind for months and I can’t, realistically, expect to have a meaningful positive change in a short time. I have to be patient which is probably my biggest weakness and challenge.

I am going to try to find one good thing about me or good deed that I have done daily. Maybe it is a good approach, despite the fact that it doesn’t really work with my “To Do List.” But this is a totally different matter, and I believe it is within my reach.

Now that you all know me a bit better, what do you think about it? Does it make sense?

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

 

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