Today I am struggling and exhausted.

I feel like I’ve been hit by a train as I had a short night, where the meds didn’t get enough time to do their job. I still felt the repercussions until late afternoon. This was when I realized their potencies.

I decided to write something despite all of the above as I want to see what comes out of my drugged up brain. Please forgive me if I’m incoherent or difficult to understand.

Before going any further let me tell you the meds’ cocktail that I take nightly around 10 pm; 20mg of Urbanyl (anxiety suppressant), 60mg of Mianserine (antidepressant), 800mg of Teralithe (lithium) and 400mg of Quetiapine (Seroquel). In the morning I take the same dosage of Mianserine and Urbanyl but not the balance.

Once the Pharmacist asked me how do I manage to wake up in the morning and the answer was; with great difficulties. This is where the tremendous personal discipline that you acquire when you practice martial arts comes into play and helps you.

The fact of not being able to fall asleep was linked to my horrible Wednesday.It threw me off balance and triggered an internal rage which lasted up to this morning and is now gone (finally).

Now, I don’t know what triggered the rage. It could have been this imbecile or the fact that I didn’t handle the situation correctly as I should have. The other unknown is why I was thrown off? Was it because I am diminished due to my depression or was it because of the subject matter that I despise? I would love to know the answers to learn from it and be better prepared if something similar, comes up again.

One of my favorite shrinks told me: “Rage comes after pain which comes after hurt.” You have to be hurt in some ways to feel pain which can produce rage. If I take this chain of event, I am inclined to choose the phone calls by this idiot. They were the vectors of this chain of events to unravel. Her aggressive tone in her speech took me by surprise and hurt me. I am sure that my depressive state didn’t contribute positively.

Not only she had hurt me once but twice the same day which I allowed for it to happen, and to bother me as well. Then came the pain and ultimately the violent internalize rage. I am pretty sure that after re-reading myself that it is how things unfolded yesterday.

What I’ve learned from this is; when I am not stable, I should not engage in anything and/or anybody of importance and find the strength and discipline to say no. It will avoid all the drama mentioned above. From now on I am going to make a conscient effort for it not to happen again.

This way I am not giving away power to others and keep my precious energy.

Peace and serenity




13 thoughts on “Today I am struggling and exhausted.

    1. Thank you so kindly for your compliments and they touch me a lot.
      I don’t see myself as strong or brave, it makes me very happy when I read similar or the same compliments, don’t get me wrong!
      It helps me with my rock bottom self-esteem. But I just don’t see it. I try my best to fight this illness like everybody else. We are all strong and brave as we all put ourselves out there with our intimates feelings. This is what I see, a very strong and mindful community made of people like you Matt.
      Thank you again for your very important and precious support.


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