From bad to worse.

There is no better description to define what I am going through, from bad to worse. Yesterday was already bad, and I had hoped that I’d reached to the bottom of this depression. Unfortunately, it isn’t the case; this one is like a steamroller. It is slow and is crushing everything on its way, and nothing seems to be able to stop it.

I feel sick to my stomach, thanks to this marble ball doing a lot of damages. I am shaking and wanting to sleep continuously to forget my sorrow. I am well aware that by doing so doesn’t solve anything and quite to the contrary. I make the matter worse.I have lots of dark thoughts and hope not to wake up.I made a promise and will keep it, and I don’t want to bore you with the same old story again.

Later on today, I’ll have to drive my daughter back to the airport and say another goodbye. Since she has been seven years old, it had always been the same; we reach a point where we have to say goodbye. I have never been good at it, and it has become harder and harder with time. Now it reaches a point of high anxiety, almost like separation anxiety. I know that my daughter suffers as well as it shows when the time comes.

I am sure that my current state makes things worse than they are. But in a way it doesn’t matter if it is exaggerated or not, the point being that I am going through it and it is real.We are very close, and I know that it is taking a toll on her too.

One of my boys wanted to tag along. Initially, I wasn’t thrilled with this idea and would have preferred to be alone and deal with all my problems. Then I looked at it more positively as I would have a companion with me, spending some quality time together, there is much else to do but speak or listen to music in a car for few hours. The other very positive aspect is this, implies that he wants to spend some time with me.In the span of few minutes, I went from not wanting him to come to be very happy to have him as my companion for the journey of roughly 160 km.

We’re scheduled to leave about two and a half hour before take off. I mentioned that it was cutting a bit short with the airline that she’s taking which is easyJet. They do not wait for anybody whether they are check in or not. When they’re ready, they go.

The reason I was mentioning leaving earlier would eliminate any unnecessary stress on everybody, not realizing that the only one who is going to be stressed out is me. If you only how much, I hate myself for being this way.

The positive about this overall situation is that I am putting my depression on the back burner for a while. Giving me suddenly some well needed fresh air.

In a deep hole and I know I will come out of it as I cannot think otherwise. There isn’t an alternative but to come out of it step by step. I am in a great deal of pain and will try to refrain from writing about it anymore. For everybody’s sake.

Thank you all for your support, words of encouragement and empathy. You are the best support system ever.

 

Peace and serenity

 

Lawrence