I couldn’t fight it anymore,

~ Lawrence Illoc

I’ve tried with all I’ve got but couldn’t help to fall back into it.

I’ve just woke up from a 20 hours tormented sleep.

I am fully depressed with everything that comes with it for me which are: constant fear of anything, paranoia, procrastination and the noisy demons always at work to name the few important ones.

I hope that the slide into hell has stopped and that I don’t have a deeper episode to deal with.

I keep repeating myself that nothing last forever and I think that it is starting to work.

I know that all of you know the feelings that I am describing, maybe not in the same words, but you all know how it is to fall back into a depressive mode. Hopefully, this won’t last too long, but I have a feeling that I won’t get over it so quickly.

I thought that by writing and sharing this with you all would help me and it does already. It is comforting for me to know that there is a community out there that is very supportive and surrounding me.

It is the first time since I’ve started the blog that I am in such poor condition.

I saw it coming, as it isn’t the first time, and was hoping to avoid it. Too many negative variables were coming at once. I believe the final straw was my panic attack of last week based on a misunderstanding.

I have to try to stay awake in your company, sharing my thoughts and feelings, reading your posts. I must say that it is already lifting my spirit a bit, I don’t know how long it will last, but it is helping.

I don’t have much to say that is of any great significance except that if anybody could share with me what do you do when you’re in this situation. What does help you?

I am sure that there is a wealth of information amongst you which would help me. The most difficult to deal with, is this physical pain, that cold marble ball pressing on my sternum which I have no control over it and makes me nauseous. The physical pain is directly linked to all the feelings mentioned above and amplifies it, depending on the moment.

It seems that the ball is put there by the demons. They are having a filled day in between disrupting my attempts to calm down and to regain some peace in my head, to stop this constant noise caused by and keep feeding this ball to get more massive and more forceful.

As I mentioned, this isn’t the first time that I am on the hole, but I tend to forget how horrible it is to be in it. It is only then when I’m back in it that it that I honestly remember. Again I will fight it and try to find my way out. I am confident that with your support, I will get back out of it sooner rather than later. I thank you already in advance.

Peace and serenity

Lawrence.

 

Published by Lawrence Illoc

Check my blog for any information about me: bipolaronlineblog.com

22 thoughts on “I couldn’t fight it anymore,”

    1. Thank you so much for your suggestion but meditation isn’t strong enough. I usually practice mindfulness meditation which I’ve learned for about a year and is a very effective meditation but even with that…Thank you for your support, you sending a message of support does wonder.

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    1. Thank you so very much for your very wise comment about taking care of myself as I usually don’t. This is what I meant by this wonderful community and support that it brings. Thank you again for taking the time to read and help me. I will follow your advice.

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  3. Everyone falls from time to time. You just need to remember to get back up. Keep strong Lawrence. Don’t give up. We love you and are there for you as much as a mishmash of timid digital writers can be. My recommendations: don’t forget to breathe. Focus on it. Breathe in, breathe out. As mentioned by equips, meditate if you are able. Go for a run or a bike ride. Find something beautiful outside of yourself to appreciate. And don’t forget about us. 🙂

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    1. Thank you so very much for all your suggestions and words of love. As I wrote, this is a beautiful and strong support system and community. You are all there and very real. I will try to follow your recommendations. I won’t give up but I am weak right now but will get better with time. That’s what I keep telling myself, one step at a time.

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  4. Also, as someone who sees detail, I’d like to point something out about you logo. I see and appreciate the balance. Dark and light. Both valuable, complimentary. But the details and structure so much clearer in the light… 😉

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    1. You saw it. What I mean by it as well is that we all have one bright extreme and one dark extreme and we are in the middle constantly try to balance both, mainly by keeping the dark side away but it is a reminder that it is always there, lurking.

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  5. You have done well Lawrence. You know you are struggling and have admitted it. That is all anyone with mental health problems can do. Pretending there is not an issue is when it starts to fall apart. In some ways i am still in denial that i have a problem. Some days i feel good and feel i like i do not need food. When indeed i know that i am in desperate need of it. My life is ruined by these negative thoughts. As you know i have decided to go alone with recovery it is something i must do in my eyes……….. Good luck to you Lawrence, good luck to everyone who is struggling with mental illness no matter what form it takes.

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    1. Hello, Matt Thank you for your kind words and support. I admire that you’ve decided to go through recovery alone, it is a testimony to your strength. The negative thoughts are very destructive and have done so much damage through the years and they are always there somehow. Good luck to you too Matt. Wishing you all the very best.

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      1. Thank you Lawrence. It is going to be a tough one for me. If it works then hopefully full recovery will be made. I realise that the road will be very very tough. Trouble is for all the professional help i have received it has not really helped me, and whilst they were wasting their time on me someone else could have benefitted from their help.

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  7. Thank you for sharing. I am very sorry you are in the midst of this. Been there many too many times to count. The beauty is that it will and does get better. I know in the midst of it it never seems like it will get better, but it will. Hold on to the times you did overcome your depression. Hold on to the better because beauty and good and love and happiness and peace are all within arms reach. You just can’t hold onto them right now. They are in your grasp. Maybe not right this second but soon they will be in your grasp and you will have the power to hold onto what you cannot right now. Once you grasp it, never let it go and fight to hold on. I promise it will get better. It may not happen the way you want or even in the amount of time you want but it will happen. Be patient and be very kind to yourself. Begin to give yourself credit for every little thing you can do and I mean every little thing. Did you get out of bed? Applaud that. Did you brush your teeth?That is awesome. Use whatever you can to help you. The more you do the more will be able to do. God helps me. I know for a fact I would not be here without my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. God has saved my life too many times to count. Music helps me tremendously and writing has been very therapeutic for me in many ways. I listen to praise and worship music often and also other inspirational music. There is a lot of power and healing in music. I also watch dance and other creative artistic things. It helps distract my brain to something positive. I can lose myself for a while in the beauty of art and entertainment. Pray pray pray and have people lay hands on you and pray for you as there is power in prayer and Jesus. Prayer works. God saves and helps. Thank you for sharing you with all of us. I will pray for you. Hugs, Sue

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    1. I don’t know how to thank you for this wonderful comment. It brought tears to my eye. I know that it shall pass but when you are in the hole it is sometimes difficult to see the light as you well know. I welcome all prayers even though I am atheist. I don’t claim to know the truth about any religion or God. I believe in the Cosmic Forces of the Universe, I believe in life and that we all are connected to the Forces.

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      1. Yes, I understand. When you are smack dab in the middle of a deep dark depression it is very difficult to know or feel anything else. It is hard because we do not know how long it will last. We always need to remember that it WILL get better. As hard as it is to believe when it is happening to you, depression DOES NOT last forever. You can do it. I am sure of it. You WILL OVERCOME and survive this season of depression. God bless you always. ~Sue

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      2. Thank you for your words of encouragements and I will most definitely get out of this one. It ain’t the first and won’t be the last. Do not worry about me, It’ll take some time but I will make it for sure.

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