What an anxiety disorder can do?

Last evening, I received an email from the electricity company with a pdf attached to it.

It was the upcoming payments scheduled for 2018, and the new monthly fee was three time the previous amount.

I went nuts. As it is, I cannot make ends meet, and now I have an extra EUR 200.00 to pay.

I lost control. I ran everywhere in the house, like a man possessed, turning off every light, then started to scream at everybody and blaming them for this increase as they never shot the lights when they left a room. Accusing them of watching too much TV and leaving the iron on for too long, making too many washes as it wasn’t necessary and I carried on with other irrational accusations, all based on nothing.

As a result, the house was upside down, a figure of speech, with everybody screaming at each other.

Then I went on an eating binge, mixing food that shouldn’t have been mixed, I drank a full bottle of milk of one and a half liter to top things off. What should have happened, did happen and I ended up being sick, having stomach pain and vomiting many times until the morning came along.

I barely slept and had an awful night. I was filled with anxiety and had a panic attack. I know how to recognize them as I went to the hospital for one incident last year. I managed to get through it and calm myself down a bit.

I couldn’t wait for 9 am to call the electricity company. That’s all I could think of. I managed to have few hours of interrupted sleep.

I woke up and felt that a truck ran over me. I took the kids to school, came back home and waited for 9 am.

9 am finally came, and I called the electricity company. I was very agitated but tried to keep it under control. The lady was accommodating and had a calming voice as if she was expecting my call. We went through all the activity on my account and finally ended reviewing the scheduled payments. My actual schedule is precisely the same as last year without any increases. I was looking at an old plan that we had when we were renovating the house, back then the consumption was much higher to due to the constructions. To my credit, on the page where you scroll down to find your statements, it isn’t done chronologically, meaning the most recent being on top isn’t the latest one, which fooled me as I looked at that 2014 schedule which was on top of that page. I was already blinded by my crisis and could only see the EUR amount.

Now, this is a fresh and concrete example of what anxiety disorder can generate and the damage it can do. My family is still distraught with me, rightly so. And I am now relieved but out of commission for the day.

This traumatic episode could have been entirely avoided. Anxiety and fear purely generated it. It isn’t the only ridiculous situation that I’ve experienced. Why can’t I see them coming and diffuse them before it becomes a full-blown crisis? I am old enough and experienced and yet, it isn’t enough. Why?

Peace and serenity




15 thoughts on “What an anxiety disorder can do?

  1. Thats how anxiety works.
    A friend of mine said something that helped me. “For every problem just think it will pass..like time with time it will pass no matter how bad it is”
    I literally calculate time now..like if something will last a day i keep calm for 1 day .. then it ends.. it has helped.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. If it’s any consolation, I have been there a thousand times and every time I’m left loathing myself for my erratic behaviour. I too repeat the old Persian saying ‘This too shall pass’, practice breathing, make a cup of tea … anything, just anything to delay an initial reaction which I know will be huge. It’s getting better but it’s a slow and very hard learning curve. Also, learning to sort out the problem rather than me getting/asking/begging someone else to do it really helps and it gives me confidence which I need. Confidence to cope when things don’t go right. Sorry I’m rambling!! Katie x

    Liked by 5 people

  3. I’ve been there – not fun or cool. I get it though. For me, I had to take action. Hoping and wishing I’d change wasn’t doing crap. I know what I’m going to say next that you’ve probably heard a thousand times…but it works. I have found that exercising daily plus meditating helps me be the calm in the center of the storm. “Blowing up” causes damage that is hard to be healed. Start today by taking one small ACTION! Not talking, not “thinking about” changing …but ACTION. You can do it Lawrence.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s