What an anxiety disorder can do?

Last evening, I received an email from the electricity company with a pdf attached to it.

It was the upcoming payments scheduled for 2018, and the new monthly fee was three time the previous amount.

I went nuts. As it is, I cannot make ends meet, and now I have an extra EUR 200.00 to pay.

I lost control. I ran everywhere in the house, like a man possessed, turning off every light, then started to scream at everybody and blaming them for this increase as they never shot the lights when they left a room. Accusing them of watching too much TV and leaving the iron on for too long, making too many washes as it wasn’t necessary and I carried on with other irrational accusations, all based on nothing.

As a result, the house was upside down, a figure of speech, with everybody screaming at each other.

Then I went on an eating binge, mixing food that shouldn’t have been mixed, I drank a full bottle of milk of one and a half liter to top things off. What should have happened, did happen and I ended up being sick, having stomach pain and vomiting many times until the morning came along.

I barely slept and had an awful night. I was filled with anxiety and had a panic attack. I know how to recognize them as I went to the hospital for one incident last year. I managed to get through it and calm myself down a bit.

I couldn’t wait for 9 am to call the electricity company. That’s all I could think of. I managed to have few hours of interrupted sleep.

I woke up and felt that a truck ran over me. I took the kids to school, came back home and waited for 9 am.

9 am finally came, and I called the electricity company. I was very agitated but tried to keep it under control. The lady was accommodating and had a calming voice as if she was expecting my call. We went through all the activity on my account and finally ended reviewing the scheduled payments. My actual schedule is precisely the same as last year without any increases. I was looking at an old plan that we had when we were renovating the house, back then the consumption was much higher to due to the constructions. To my credit, on the page where you scroll down to find your statements, it isn’t done chronologically, meaning the most recent being on top isn’t the latest one, which fooled me as I looked at that 2014 schedule which was on top of that page. I was already blinded by my crisis and could only see the EUR amount.

Now, this is a fresh and concrete example of what anxiety disorder can generate and the damage it can do. My family is still distraught with me, rightly so. And I am now relieved but out of commission for the day.

This traumatic episode could have been entirely avoided. Anxiety and fear purely generated it. It isn’t the only ridiculous situation that I’ve experienced. Why can’t I see them coming and diffuse them before it becomes a full-blown crisis? I am old enough and experienced and yet, it isn’t enough. Why?

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

 

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