It’s about 6:30 pm. The twilight is near its end, leading the path for darkness to set in.
The night hasn’t started yet, but the darkness has engaged the first signs of anxiety. I feel already some discomfort settling in. I know that the anxiety will rise and I anticipated it by taking some medication.
This daily anxiety has two prongs; will tonight be a long and lonesome sleepless night or will it be one with violent nightmares? It is the same mental routine every evening. Rarely do I say to myself that I will have a great and restful sleep with pleasant dreams throughout the night.
The negativity that this disorder brings to my daily life is unbelievable. Thankfully I have some medication and “safety medication” that I can take in case of extreme bouts with these awful feelings.
I understand that there is an equal possibility to have a good or a bad night. There is nothing intricate about it, but this anxiety condition of mine always draws me to the negative. The demons are going to take over, and it’s going to be another torturous night. My mind goes a mile a minute and doesn’t want to shut up, even with the medication. Meditation in these circumstances bears no weight, even if it is done earlier at dusk.
The same thought process runs in a loop. I want to go to bed, but I’m afraid, I don’t want to fight and be in pain again.
How screwed up is this? I work myself up sometimes near a crises level. The sad part is that nothing can be done. I already take seven different types of medication daily, and there is not a chance that I will take sleeping pills. One, I don’t want to have more poison in my body, and two, the majority are not compatible with the medication that I am taking currently.
Now to be fair, it doesn’t happen every night. Often I find a way to defuse the process. What I have noticed is that these scenarios run in streaks and it had been a while that I didn’t have a dreadful night.
For me, it is impossible to control these situations all the time. Willpower and medications only go so far. These disorders are extremely powerful and become out of control very quickly.
Peace and serenity