The Pivotal Hours

It’s about 6:30 pm. The twilight is near its end, leading the path for darkness to set in.

The night hasn’t started yet, but the darkness has engaged the first signs of anxiety. I feel already some discomfort settling in. I know that the anxiety will rise and I anticipated it by taking some medication.

This daily anxiety has two prongs; will tonight be a long and lonesome sleepless night or will it be one with violent nightmares? It is the same mental routine every evening. Rarely do I say to myself that I will have a great and restful sleep with pleasant dreams throughout the night.

The negativity that this disorder brings to my daily life is unbelievable. Thankfully I have some medication and “safety medication” that I can take in case of extreme bouts with these awful feelings.

I understand that there is an equal possibility to have a good or a bad night. There is nothing intricate about it, but this anxiety condition of mine always draws me to the negative. The demons are going to take over, and it’s going to be another torturous night. My mind goes a mile a minute and doesn’t want to shut up, even with the medication. Meditation in these circumstances bears no weight, even if it is done earlier at dusk.

The same thought process runs in a loop. I want to go to bed, but I’m afraid, I don’t want to fight and be in pain again.

How screwed up is this? I work myself up sometimes near a crises level. The sad part is that nothing can be done. I already take seven different types of medication daily, and there is not a chance that I will take sleeping pills. One, I don’t want to have more poison in my body, and two, the majority are not compatible with the medication that I am taking currently.

Now to be fair, it doesn’t happen every night. Often I find a way to defuse the process. What I have noticed is that these scenarios run in streaks and it had been a while that I didn’t have a dreadful night.

For me, it is impossible to control these situations all the time. Willpower and medications only go so far. These disorders are extremely powerful and become out of control very quickly.

Peace and serenity




22 thoughts on “The Pivotal Hours

  1. Hang in there, Lawrence. Medications may fail and sheer willpower may not be able to change these situations for you, but patience to wait it out until this particular “streak” has passed can be your saving grace in these pivotal hours.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. You can think of it as a resource, yes, that can be diminished until it’s all out. But you can also think of it as a skill, one that can be honed with practice. The more you’re challenged to hone it, the better you’ll get at it. Wishing you well!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Keep going Lawrence. I am trying hypnotherapy. Monday i have my first session. It is something i think could help me. Much like medication you have to try different things to see if it works or not. I get the anxiety and dread as it comes to the end of the day at work. Thoughts hit me like several buses at once. Question after question hits me. Have i moved enough?, have i done enough steps?, have i eaten anything i shouldn’t have? What can i do to keep moving this evening to burn calories. Fact of the matter is that I am shattered and i wish i could just sit or lay down and rest my aching body. I am sure we are not the only ones who have negative and scary thoughts as the day or night progress.
    I hope your dreams will be positive ones instead of negative ones.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. All these disorders generate so many problems. Life as it is, is hard enough but for us we have layers of difficulties added to it. We have to keep being positive and strong my dear friends. Hopefully this new therapy will work for you. Peace

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are a strong man my dear friend.
        You have made it so far and there is no reason why it should stop. I believe, we all come to a point where we want to give up BUT it’s not an option. Why do I say that you are a strong man is because you are able to maintain a successful career while you battling your demons. To me this is a testimony of your strength. Not everybody can achieve this. You may have come to a point that medicine should be contemplated and there is no shame in it. I battled for years with medecine issues and the clear conclusion that, when we need them we have to take them. The alternative is usually disastrous, I can testify to this. Keep strong, don’t give up, you will hate yourself if you do. I am speaking to you from my heart. Peace my dear friend.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I thank you from the bottom of my heart my friend. Your words mean a lot to me. You are right that i may need to possibly try new medicine. The ones that i am on i have possibly become immune too. I am trying not to give up for my daughters sake she cannot see me weak……….

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I fought and still fighting for my kids.They are the reason I am alive. Regardless of anything we have no choice but to keep on going for them. I know how you feel and how hard it is, I also feel like giving up but when I see them laughing, it pushes me to carry on. We are very important to them.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. The Spartan Life Coach is fond of saying, “What you resist persists.” Perhaps accepting it for a while might help. It sounds to me like you might be trying to process something. Is this a recent phenomenon? I am no expert but perhaps it is trauma trying to work its way out of your system. It could even be a sign that you are actually healing. I loved the analogy about memories being filed, from a previous commentor on a previous post. Healing is sometimes a painful business.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post and your comments. All of these hypotheses are valid in my mind and maybe you are right, I should at least try to thing that it is for the better and a way the brain heals itself. I will definitely try to put a positive note, it might change everything. Thank you so much for your input.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I suddenly thought of something. Forgive me but my father was a computer engineer.
    Perhaps your brain is having a bit of a defrag and we all know how annoying computer defrags can be. Once they have finished however, everything runs more smoothly.

    Liked by 1 person

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