I give out too much power.

This is exactly what I do! I give to much power to everybody and everything until the crash comes.

This is another lesson that I cannot learn and I keep making the same mistake over and over.

It isn’t because I believe that all people are nice, and the same applies to firms or organizations. I surely don’t live in a “carebears” world.

Quite the contrary, I am very wary of anybody or anything new coming into my life. My armor is on protected by my shield.

At first, I come across as arrogant and unfriendly but when people or organizations see something interesting for them in me and know how to manipulate me. This is when trouble starts as I judge the situation to be safe, therefore I lower my shield and take off my armor. This is when I become vulnerable. I stand there, unarmed and go from one extreme to another, from total mistrust to trusting unconditionally. Then I get to be an open book. I give out crucial and sensitive information prematurely and it always comes back to hunt me.

At this point, I am unable and/or unwilling to see the evil in people and organizations. I convince myself that my assessment can’t be wrong again. I bend over backward to help people and go way beyond the call of duty for any firm that I work for. At first, it is appreciated but soon enough it translates into expectations.

This is when I should be able to take a hard look at the situation and ask myself several questions as why and for what am I doing this for. Instead of doing so I am asking myself what more could I do for them? I listen and obey every single word they say and my main preoccupation is to please them and definitely don’t want to disappoint them.For some reason, I think that I need their stamp of approval, to this day I constantly need permanent reassurance and approval from my surrounding. Is it because of my lack of self-esteem?

When I am in this position other people start to notice and feel that they can manipulate me as well and they do it because I give them the power to do so and it can last for a long time, decades in a couple cases.

People by nature will push you to the limit and cross it one day. It never fails; it can be tomorrow or in 10 years, but when it comes hell is unleashed and it doesn’t matter who it is. I become fearless, I am going for the jugulars. The Dark side has been activated. Trust me, people who were the recipient of my wrath, remember it.

One of my favorite quotes by Al Capone, “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone but when someone is unkind to me, weak is not what you’re going to remember about me.”

So now I am on the other side of the spectrum, seeking revenge and inflict pain mentally or physically. I am ridden by hatred. I was betrayed and cannot stand that I didn’t act earlier when it was still possible and avoid another fiasco. I failed to realize it. I had multiple signs and times to end it.

Ultimately it is my fault to give people this power me. This one I’m afraid will never be fixed.

Peace and serenity

 

Lawrence

 

 

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