Hospital Stay! Not For Me. Rather Die.

I went ballistic when I was asked one more time to contemplate the ideas to go into a hospital. I’ve been asked over and over again about it. They know how I feel about it, but they keep pushing.

All my life I fought against going to an institution. Especially within this past decade where my illness has been the most destructive of all times. I refuse to go and will never go.

Don’t get the wrong message here, I am, absolutely not saying that going to a hospital or an institution is a sign of weakness. Quite the contrary, but for me, it is out of the question.

Despite the illness and all of its ramification I rather stay at be at home and fight it, in my environment instead of somewhere else. To make it clear, I am deadly scared of it. I am afraid to let myself go and take the path of least resistance. I am a fighter at heart, on and off the ring. If I don’t have anything to fight for, then I just do not know where I’ll end up. I am petrified.

When I am quiet, on my own, the demons come down and try to sweet talk to me into going to the hospital. They tell me to go that I will be rested and well once I’ll come out. They say this to me because they know very well that I will not come out. My family knows me very well, and they agree with me on this chapter. The demons disguise themselves as angels to show me the “right way.” The angels are quiet and when needed, they know when to ring the warning bell. They know they don’t have much else to do but to keep me in check.

To prove my point and fears. I have just heard recently that one the most famous institution in the French part of Switzerland was just beginning to administer medicine for helping bipolars. Before that, we were just reduced to vegetables. I’ve heard from another bipolar who went once in there and had all the problems in the world to be released. They want us institutionalized because they make money from us, by way of subsidies from the government. We are commercially valuable, so they are not going to let us go that easily.

We are currently in a financial mess, to put it mildly. We’re in it, knee deep, with two teenage boys. I am searching high and low for some job opportunities. We don’t earn enough to live despite my wife working very hard as a teacher in the French national school system and me with my invalidity pension. At the moment we are not making it until the end of the month. It is shameful to see teachers who are pillars of our society being paid the way they are. It is simply disgraceful

How can anyone tell me to go to an institution? To get “better”! at this point and time, when we are dealing with such crap! It is a total nonsense. I need to find a way to generate some income. The “institution” will not provide for my family and me. I have searched so much, for so long, that at times I feel like giving up. When I feel this way, I try to focus on my family, and it gives me the motivation and the strength that I desperately need.

Peace and serenity

Lawrence