Help, I’m struggling and I am lonely

Help, I’m struggling and I am lonely.

The post is very current as I am going through a depressed cycle for the past four to five days.

I picked up this sentence from an article on Matt Christian’s blog.It was typed in capital letters showing how important it was to him. Since then it has been omnipresent in my mind.The article I am referring to is beautifully written and contains so many crucial open questions that I would love to be able to address one day.

I do not know Matt personally but I think it is fairly safe to say that he is much younger than I am. One might think that I’ve more life experiences, which should enable me to better deal with problems. Unfortunately, it isn’t true and it isn’t the point.

The points, here, are feelings like love is a feeling that never ages.

So in the sentence; HELP, I’M STRUGGLING AND I AM LONELY is all about feelings that are embedded in those words and are relevant to most of us bipolars.Regardless of age or experiences, these emotions are here and an ongoing basis.

HELP; I am currently going through a rough time and I am desperate for help, I need someone to talk to; professional or not. I just need somebody to be here for me and to talk to, without judgments. I need somebody to take me in into his/her or her arms, I guess I could go to the hospital and get admitted but never. Even though it is probably what I need but I will never do go.

Therefore I AM STRUGGLING; comes naturally since I didn’t get the help I needed to. I don’t know what to do to get better. What am I supposed to do now? I am totally discombobulated. But life goes on in the real world; the family needs attention and care, bills keep coming in, the most important ones are dealt with the others will have to wait. I’m currently looking at all the paperwork that I’ve been procrastinating over the past few months and haven’t done a thing yet. The pile is staring at me and obviously not going anywhere, even though I wished it did. So yes, I am struggling and at this point and time, I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and if there is one it’s probably the incoming train.

I feel extremely LONELY and isolated. I don’t have and know anybody that I can talk to openly who will understand my pains and struggles. Only professional are the people that I have in mind who could be there. I cannot talk to anybody in my family because it affects them too much and frustrates them as they don’t have the key to my happiness and feel they should have it. I’d explained to them, numerous times, that I don’t know where and what is the key, maybe there is none.

I can only see my shrink every other month as I don’t have the funds to pay for a regular psychiatrist and drugs. But here in France, I have the luxury of still being taken care of for free, the country picks up the tab. Thank you, France. Of course, it is not as flexible and as frequent as If I had private care. Nevertheless, I have a team of psychiatric nurses, psychologist and of course my doctor behind me. The mere fact of knowing that I can go at any time to the hospital, and somebody will be there for me is very reassuring.

As far as the sentence is concerned; I am afraid that it will remain with us until the end…

Take good care of yourselves

Lawrence Illoc


31 thoughts on “Help, I’m struggling and I am lonely

  1. It’s a very strong sentence. Actually we’re always alone in suffering. That’s why seeking company is the equivalent of getting some help…. lots of us can be struggling at sometimes and it’s hard to find the strength to keep going….

    Liked by 4 people

      1. What you say is true… there’s no “choice”… the “other hoice” being giving up and let life get a hold on us and getting into a spiral… so, having the strength to find the strength is the only option… yes…

        Liked by 3 people

  2. My comment may have been harsh now that I am reading it again. What I meant is that I am trying to find strength in other vectors than humans as they have always managed to hurt me at one point and time. I am an atheist since my teenage and I am trying through some alternative medium a way to find spirituality in the universe. If people saw me pray to the universe they would probably put me straight in a jacket and in the hospital. I mention my dog as, unlike humans, dogs never failed me or betray me with their unconditional love, presence, and kindness.
    Peace and indeed much love

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Brilliantly written Lawrence. I am 41 years old and have been struggling with my ED for over 2 years now. B is correct in saying we are always alone in suffering. It is a case of reaching out to people you feel can help you. I can count on one hand the amount of people who have stuck by me during my current struggles. I post my blog for the simple fact it helps me get rid of the negative thoughts that have taken up residence in my head. It is a long hard and emotional journey. Some days as you well know yourself things go well, other days well………….utter carnage………..Peace and Love to you Lawrence and to all who are struggling……..

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You’re one of a kind Matt… Thank you so much again. I’m here for you as well if you need anything. I’ve been through a lot in my life, my eldest daughter says that I had three lives! Please do not hesitate, I’ll try to help

        Liked by 1 person

  4. So sorry to hear about this, my friend. Hang tough, you’ve been through these crises before, you’ll come out of it, You are stronger than those feelings as you always came out of it. Go home if you can and watch a movie or something to divert your mind. I know it’s easier said than done and sometimes I feel the same way as you do right now. But remember, the fact that you are is a testimony of your strength

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are 100 percent right. I think that every bipolar understand it intellectually when we are calm or more or less stable. The problem comes in when I am in a crisis, I forget all my safety tools and loose sense of reality as it feels that I am being swallowed by the dark forces. Still, after all these years of experiencing these crises, they manage to take over or more precisely I let them take over. Why? I don’t know

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s when I tend to try to detect things early. I found some of my warning signs. Like, sleeping too much / not enough, getting hyper-excited over small things, eating more / less, crying at movies that I would normally not shed a tear, isolating…it isn’t easy, but it is worth trying to figure out what comes first, before the crisis. I had to think a lot and it took many hospitalizations to figure out some of my warning signs. I’m not perfect at it – and no one is – but it does help. I wish you the best in trying to balance your feelings, emotions, and actions. Don’t hesitate to contact me. I am always willing to listen, even if I can’t say anything new; or anything at all.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you very much for your support and help. I will definitely contact you for advice as yours have been helping me a lot.
        I will try to be more alert and try to find unusual behaviors before a crisis. It’s a never ending battle and facst finding, isn’t it!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Not sure how I missed this post. I am sure I read it because paragraphs are familiar to me, however other entries must have stuck in my mind.

    I feels you Lawrence. And as you MUST know by now, my door is always open to you if you need to whinge/rant, have some nasty home-truths thrown your way, or just chat.

    It can get ‘lonely’, one of the reasons I decided on yet another public journal after years of being a hermit. If all us broken people can be there for each other in some way, I believe we can do a small amount of good!

    Be good, stay safe. ~smiles broadly, waves then runs back to my game~

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ashe,
      I understand the PC vs MAC issue for games. MAC is light years behind windows on this chapter. I don’t play games because I get to addicted to them and they become an obsession. The only game I used to play (with or without a computer) was Backgammon, in which, at one point and time I was ranked internationaly and made to the World championship and got whacked pretty badly. I would love to play again but I would need to go back and study the game intensively and start touring the world for tournaments which I used to do and cost a lot. I still have an updated version of the best software for this game which runs on windows. I split my hard drive on my MAC to install windows and play against the computer but it is not good for me, it reminds me of my past when I was a millionaire and all the stupidities I did, so I stopped. I have been a millionaire twice and lost it all, how much of a moron can you be?
      To go back of some of the things you wrote to me. You are totally right on me having a one mind set. I fight all the time with everybody and everything including myself and I’m tired of it. I fought all my life in business and in the ring. Eventually I was MMA instructor (Mixed Martial Arts). The UFC in the US is an example of it. I don’t know how else to operate. To me everything is a fight, if not, I can’t deal with it. I have not found an alternative. The positive about the MMA is that most of us wearing a black belt pledge to the Bushido code (old samurai golden rules) which includes seven fundamental values to respect in life which are Rectitude, Courage, Benevolence, Respect, Honor, Honesty and loyalty. These have saved me from adding more destruction in my life.
      Now on the strangers telling the truth, I partially agree with you. A lot of ill intentioned people try to manipulate us when they know about our bipolarity. It had happened to me a lot with former colleagues and acquaintances who thought they finally had an edge on me. What they were saying to me wasn’t the truth but tactics to take me down. Therefore I am very septic about what people tell me. Now coming from you is a different story. First we share the same illness with everything that comes with it. I respect and acknowledge your comments good and bad as I know you haven’t any bad intentions, quite the opposite. It is the first time that I have the opportunity to share these feelings with somebody who actually knows how it feels.
      Where I totally disagree with you, is with the little people. The world was shaped by lots of little people coming from nowhere, in politics, art, music, military, the list is long. I grew up in a lower middle class family couple of blocks away from the red-light district. I almost went the wrong way but the comic forces decided otherwise. At one point I was a pretty big shot, on the cover of financial magazine, frequently quoted in newspaper, TV interviews, dealt directly with the government of the country I was living in. I had a lot of power and I came from nowhere. I can do it again unless I give up as I am extremely tired with life and broke. Having said that, if there is one thing that gives me some motivation, some fire, is to make a major difference, impact for our cause. Everybody else is accepted by society now except us, bipolars, and other handicap people. We are discriminated in the work force and society. We are treated as bad, if not worse, as the blacks were during the civil rights movement. Which was led by a little person. Why is it still like this? Very simple, what kind of mentally ill person can properly fight, we are all nuts, right? We are an easy target and it is my wish that before I’m gone for good that I’ll be able to change things. I’m a warrior and fighting is what I know. If I get the backing from the French Psychiatric establishment, you can bet your bottom dollar that I will do what is necessary. I, little people, along with all the ones willing to make a difference are going to do it. We have everything in our power to make it, we’re smarter than most. We need to be united and support each others because nobody else will. I’m drunk and sending you this as you told not to erase things, so I listened to you. It’s probably badly written and full of mistakes and I apologize for it. You know by now that I value your opinions tremendously. Anyway, hopefully you’ll be able to understand what I’m trying to say as it is all over the place. Nothing has been edited.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow, I’m going to take a copy of this incase you decide to delete it! Maybe email you the response because I feel bad cluttering up your pages. (If you don’t mind, I don’t want to overstep boundaries).
    I’ll get back to you in time – ‘coz I got me a game to play. ~laughs~

    Until I send you a big response; be good – don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. 😉

    ~waves and wanders off to read this, then back to my game~

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Now that I have read it, there is nothing wrong with it. I can understand everything you wanted to say.

        DON’T STRESS SO MUCH! You do not need to be perfect, you just need to be you! Nothing more, nothing less.

        Now I really am off to play my game. Try not to drink too much, and do get some good sleep… in a bed!
        I’ll ramble with you when I ramble with you. ~smiles, waves and rushes off~

        Liked by 1 person

      2. May as well reply here while we are still writing about the topic in the original post. When it starts to deviate then I will use your email.

        Nightly greetings Lawrence, ~smiles happily then sits cross-legged on the floor to talk with you~

        ~nods~ Yeppers, if you want to game on something other than a playstation or xbox then you’re stuck with a windows machine. I’d love to use Linux, but alas, I’d have no games to play then! ~laughs~

        I guess you could say I’m addicted to games. I go through phases. A few months I’ll game, then I’ll read and not touch the PC in that time. I might go through an artistic phase for a few months then I will go back to my games. I figure that it’s the least destructive ‘addiction’ I can have at this point in my life. And when I am socializing in real life then video games take a back seat.

        I used to have a chessboard that had backgammon on it. No one I knew knew how to play backgammon so I was never taught. I loved chess, but again, no one I knew played. The grandmother loathed it because her ex-hubby used to play it.

        ~tilts head confuzzled~ Why would you need to (quote you) “study the game intensively and start touring the world for tournaments”? Can’t you just enjoy the game for the game? It doesn’t need to be a competition, you don’t have to be “the best” at something to enjoy it.
        I’m a perfectionist when I draw, if I expected myself to be the best at it I would drive myself absolutely bonkers! More bonkers than I already am!

        ~thinks for a second~ Why not find a new game you have never played and teach your boys to play? Hmmm something like Go.
        Just don’t make it a competition!. No winners or losers. Just people that enjoy the game. You think you might be able to handle something like that? I’m sure your boys would like it. How about ask them if there are any games they like and learn so you can bond with them?
        The gm and I used to play Ludo and then Uno every weekend when there was no football on for her to shout at. I love card and board games, unfortunately you tend to need more than one person to play the darn things! It why I lose myself in video games now and then, I only need me to play them.

        ~frowns~ Losing a fortune twice seems to be a a serious issue with you and how you think of yourself. I can feel the anger oozing off you from over here in Oz.
        ~gives you a quick hug~
        It is one of many events in your life that you can do absolutely nothing about other than learn from.
        You need to “let it go” to quote that disney film I have not seen. It is just going to make you angry the more you think about it. Being angry is not healthy for you or your family.

        Do you recall how you came across that mindset of needing to win all the time? Was it your parents? Why don’t you write a journal entry exploring this. (That’s what I do when there is something about myself giving me problems.) In having it written down you can see where it stems from and maybe even see a way to change how you think about it.
        I mean, that mindset doesn’t seem to be doing much for your these days is it? From where I stand, it is creating more harm than good. Allow yourself to “relax” a little. Take time out to “smell the roses”.

        I did shotokan karate for many years until I broke my finger in a kumate. I was two belts away from black. I rather miss it. Loved it because it was so different from things like netball. I would have liked to start akido or tae kwondo when I was younger.

        ~laughs nodding~ Ohh I know some stranger’s telling “the truth” is often not truth at all but something completely different. As I have said before, most of us broken people are naturally empaths and are able to see through most things with time and experience.
        As I always say, “You cannot bullsh*t a bullshi*ter!”

        Ohh you’ve misunderstood me about “little people”. I KNOW that little people can, and do, make a difference. However these little people are “fighters”. They need to fight for a cause. Most are highly influential and charismatic. When they speak, people want to stop and listen no matter where they came from. Most of all, these little people are “people persons” – they like socializing with other human beings. They what society to be better for other humans.

        They have a type of motivation that a little person like me will never have, nor is interested in having. I will happily help, or talk, with other people in a ‘private’ setting like this, but you’ll never see me on the ‘world stage’ fighting for what I believe in the way you are. (I’m too shy. I loathe public speaking. I would rather hide from the world than make my presence known. I am a ‘mouse’ while you, on the other hand, are a ‘lion’.)

        Does that make a bit more sense with where I am coming from?

        We little mice appreciate what you big (little) lions are trying to do for us. I truly do hope that the French Psychiatric people will listen to you Lawrence. I have my lil’ mousy fingers crossed for you!

        Well I thinks that is enough. It’s going to be five days of 30 deg heat down here (37 on wed! o_O), I probably won’t be too chatty until the weekend.

        I hope you are doing ok. Be good!

        Ashe. ~waves and wanders into the night~

        Liked by 1 person

      3. ~smiles~ You are always welcome Lawrence.
        ~chuckles~ As I have said before, take your time, I’m not going anywhere. I won’t be too chatty in the coming heat anyway. -ugh- summer…
        And so, I’ll ramble with you, when I ramble with you.
        Until then…
        Be good! Ohh and get some decent sleep too! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Ohh I wish I lived near a body of water! If i did, I would live in it! ~sighs wistfully~
        Alas, I’m in the middle of the burbs. (I don’t like public beaches or pools anyway. Too many people. lol) All I have to try and keep cool is a cheap fan, a useless water cooler, some blocks of ice and a cold shower. There is a kiddy pool too if I can be bothered to set it up. It’s gonna be a loooooong week!
        What I would not give to live somewhere where it snows most of the year! Somewhere it doesn’t get hotter than 24 deg.
        Enjoy the nice cold weather up there where you are for me!

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I can definitely understand your feelings about public pools, beaches…What can I say, I’m broke and still a snub 🙂
        I used to this when the air conditioning wouldn’t work; I would put one of those squared or rectangle buckets, fill it up with water and put behind it a fan angled in a way that it generates a gentle spray of water around. It takes a while before you catch the right angle. You may wanna try it.
        Here it’s been unusually cold and snowy for some reason but that’s what you get when you wanna live in the mountains! The summers are most of the time beautiful.
        Hang tough

        Liked by 1 person

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